The Shape of Days: How do you put a title on something like this?

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Sunday, August 5, 2007, 8:12 am

How do you put a title on something like this?

For the past year and a bit, I’ve actively avoided writing anything too personal on this Web site. Which is ironic, as it originally started out as a sort of public diary. It was an outlet of sorts, a place to write about stuff I couldn’t talk to anyone about.

But with time, things changed. I gained a microscopic speck of notoriety for some articles I published here back in the fall of 2004. The set of people who read this site and the set of people I actually know in real life began to overlap. This site began to have professional implications for me; I could conceivably get or lose jobs because of this site.

So I clammed up. I stopped writing about my life and started writing about things.

I can’t do that any more. This morning I’m going to write a post that I’ve been putting off writing for … god. For years and years. My whole life, it seems.

Some of my friends know this already. Like, two of them. I think. Others may have guessed. Most, particularly my casual acquaintances, probably have no idea.

I have a mental illness. It’s very serious.

It’s called “borderline personality disorder.” The reason they call it “borderline” is because it’s right there on the cusp between normal and psychotic. Yeah, I said psychotic. Due to a brain defect or malfunction, psychotic people perceive the world in a fundamentally different way from normal people. Psychotic people might hallucinate or they might not, but the defining characteristic is what the doctors call a profound disconnect from reality. What they think is going on isn’t actually what’s going on.

My problem — I don’t have a good word for it; call it a disease, handicap or disability and my eyes roll — my problem is a little different from that. I also have a profound disconnect from reality. But I’m aware that I have it. That’s what puts me on the borderline, rather that right in the middle of psychosis.

The defining characteristic of my whatever-you-want-to-call-it is an inability to form and maintain normal human relationships. Romantic, platonic, social, professional, whatever. I have a deep-seated fear of abandonment. I often feel betrayed for no reason. I believe that I am a worthless human being, and consequently doubt that anyone could actually desire my company/love me/enjoy talking to me at a party, et cetera. Out of fear of losing personal bonds, I push people away as a defensive reaction. See, I think they’re just going to abandon me anyway, so fuck ‘em.

I go through periods of uncontrollable rage. That is to say, the rage is uncontrollable. I get angry for no good reason, or at best for a very, very insignificant reason, and it doesn’t go away readily. I’m not dangerous in any meaningful sense, at least not to others. But I can be very difficult to be around.

My mood swings have been clocked as being faster than the speed of sound. Believe me, if we could find a way to harness my mood swings, we’d never have to burn a drop of oil again.

During times of extreme stress, I experience what the doctors call dissociation. I sort of lose control of my thoughts and actions. I see myself from the outside, with no conscious control over what I’m saying. I find that I’ve said things I never meant to say, never should have meant to say. It’s an extremely difficult sensation to describe, and an extremely unpleasant one to experience.

I was talking to a friend — one of the two people — recently. She asked me, “If you realize this is going on, why can’t you just not do it?” I think I laughed, though I didn’t mean to be rude. It’s the most obvious question in the world. It’s just that the answer is also obvious, if difficult to understand. The part of my brain I would ordinarily use to make judgments and draw conclusions is the very part that’s affected by this problem. I can’t just don’t-be-like-that because my brain literally doesn’t work that way.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the bible of sorts for the study of the mind, compiling the sum total of human understanding — such as it is — of psychiatry, includes a nine-point checklist of characteristics that mark a person who may have a borderline personality. I score eight out of nine. That’s the best score I’ve gotten on a test since high school.

Here’s the bad news. My problem is essentially incurable. There’s no pill for it. There’s no universally, or even widely, effective combination of drugs and psychotherapy. I am extremely resistant to therapy or counseling because I have such serious problems developing trust. I am the best liar you’ve ever seen. On the worst day of my life I can tell you I’m fine, even great, and make you believe it. Because I’m so afraid you’ll abandon me — where “you” is a friend, lover or somebody trying to help — because you see me as different, less normal, less whole, less … lovable.

Being the way I am has cost me nearly every job I’ve ever had. It’s cost me nearly every relationship, of any type, I’ve ever had. It’s gotten me into so much financial trouble that I can’t even imagine, much less see, a way out. It has, in a very real sense, ruined my life. Sorry for the melodrama, but I’m just trying to explain this as best I can.

I’d like to take a sidebar here and say that this is an extremely difficult post to write. My curse, if I can be allowed a moment of self-pity here, is that I’ve got this extremely serious and, yes, life-threatening disorder of the brain, but I’m left aware and rational enough to understand the stigma associated with it, and to fear being treated as a disabled person rather than just as a person. This, in a nutshell, fucking sucks.

So why am I doing this? Why am I “coming out” like this? The honest answer is that I don’t know what else to do any more. I’ve tried everything I’ve ever known how to try. I’ve gone to the emergency room seeking admission as a psychiatric inpatient. (I do not recommend this, by the way, unless you think spending twelve hours handcuffed to a chair next to a drooling meth addict is lots-o-laffs.) I’ve attempted to confide in friends. I’ve been on drugs — the prescription kind, I mean. I’ve seen therapists. I’ve even prayed, back before the Almighty — if He even exists — stopped taking my calls.

So now I’m screaming in the dark.

Maybe there’s somebody out there. Maybe there’s somebody out there who’s like me. Somebody who’s learned to live and function with this … ugh. This handicap, for lack of a better word. Maybe that person will send me an e-mail with a magic incantation for surviving with this.

Or maybe I’ll be that person for somebody else. Maybe some twenty-year-old girl is sitting out there right now, in the wee hours of a Sunday morning, crying in her dorm room and wondering why she can’t be like everyone else. To that person, whomever and wherever you are, I don’t have any answers. I’m sorry. I don’t really believe, deep down, that anyone does. I probably can’t be your friend, just like you can’t be mine. People like us can’t really have friends, not in the long run. But understand that you are not alone. I’m in this too. Right there with you.

Maybe that’ll help somebody.

I honestly don’t know.

So what do I need? I honestly don’t know. I need to feel like I matter. Like the things I do have meaning. Like people are affected by me in a positive way. I need constant reassurance. It’s pretty pathetic, really. Emotionally, I’m a lot like I child. I need positive attention, and when I’m not getting it — even for just an hour — I feel like I don’t deserve it and will never have it again.

A defining characteristic of people like me is that we’re incapable of seeking positive attention in socially acceptable ways. “Hey, do you wanna go see a movie?” is impossible for me, because all my brain allows me to see are the obstacles in the way. Of course you don’t want to go see a movie with me. I’m a pain in the ass. I’m impossible to be around. I react strangely — intensely positively or intensely negatively — to anything that happens. Of course you don’t want to sit next to me in a dark movie theater for an hour and a half. Obviously. And if you say no? If you’re not interested in seeing a movie, or you have other plans? Well, that just confirms everything I suspected all along.

And dating? Please. Don’t even talk to me about dating. Not an option.

This isn’t my choice. It’s how my brain works. And the fact that I’m aware of it doesn’t mean I can just make it stop, because the part of my brain that I would otherwise use to make it stop is the part that’s malfunctioning. Being self-aware doesn’t cure it. At best, it mitigates it, and during the worst times it can’t even do that.

So what do I need today, right now? I don’t know that either. Today is going to suck. Send me an e-mail. Leave a comment here. Tell me you understand. Tell me you don’t understand and ask me questions. If you don’t hear back from me in an hour, send me another e-mail and say “Hey, asshole, write back to me.” And keep doing it until I believe that you actually give half a damn.

Or don’t. Just go hug your kids or something. Tell them they’re good, and that you love them. Tell them that you love them even when you’re not telling them that you love them. Maybe by doing so — I have no reason to believe this; I’m just making this up as I go — but maybe by doing so, you’ll prevent somebody else from growing up to be like me.

One more thing. If, for some godforsaken reason, you want to call me, you can reach me at 214-697-0156. I probably won’t answer, just because I probably won’t know who you are from your number. But feel free to leave me a message. Or send me a text. Or whatever the kids are doing these days.

Posts that might or might not be related to this one

Comments

Coincedently i’ve just finish to watch all seasons of House MD ( it was almost non-stop) so giving that, I’d say what you said about yourself is more or less every single person experience. May be you are too selfconcious or have too much time to be that aware of your own problems.
I see a cure in keeping busy with other peoples lives - wether it is only watching them or writing about them or learning to overcome your own selfishness, help them. On the other hand,
You are a good writer, so keep writing - everything else could be just a small addition to your life.

lm

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 9:27 am

You’re a great writer. I thought you were a great writer before this post, and I still do. Maybe you can take a little solace in the fact that knowing about your problem doesn’t affect this one reader’s opinion. I don’t usually out and post comments on the peoples sites I read Because I figure they’ll just think “who the hell is this guy” but this time I’ve decided I’d stop and take the time to say thanks for all the cool stuff you’ve written. Your short stories thrill me. Every one of them. I’ve also noticed that you haven’t written one in a while, so get your ass in gear. Have a good day. Or else. You deserve it. Cheers.

Alex

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 11:14 am

You live in D.C.. Does anyone really notice?

One of my favorite questions when I was spiraling down into full-blown alcoholism was, “Why don’t you just not drink?” There’s not even an answer for that. If you’re normal, that’s a perfectly reasonable question and a solution to the problem. If you’re an addict/alcoholic in the middle of your addiction, it doesn’t even apply. The brain isn’t functioning on that level.

One thing I’ve learned over the years: There are no normal people. None. Zip. Zilch. They don’t exist. It’s merely a perception. There are just people who’s full story you haven’t had the privilege of hearing yet.

I come to your site at least once a week because I like your writing and most of the time I find something that makes me laugh, or think, or go wtf? You’re not boring…which in my mind would be the real sin for a writer.

I’d hang with you if you lived around here.

Timmer

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 12:11 pm

_ There are no normal people. They don’t exist. There are just people who’s full story you haven’t had the privilege of hearing yet._

I’m totally stealing that line.

Jeff Harrell

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 12:13 pm

That’s cool, I can’t remember who I stole it from.

Timmer

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 12:17 pm

That was a brave thing, Jeff.

I have more to say… but not here.

Tiff

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 12:25 pm

Jeffio, I think you tend to put me on the list of people who have sinned against you. The times I gave you crap, you deserved it; just like the times you’ve busted my chops. I told you before and I will tell you again….I love you like a brother. Honestly, my real brother and I broke apart long ago. You and Koster are closer to me than my blood. From the day we met, I have always considered you extraordinarily clever, bright and talented, and it wasn’t until here that I learned what a tremendous writer you are. Writer, not reporter. You and Koster are writers. I’m a reporter. Huge difference. I’d rather be like you in that regard.

So make of this what you will. We have more in common than you think. And even though you’ve somewhat kept me at arm’s length, I still want to be your friend.

And also even if you don’t buy it, I think you’re a great guy. You must hang in there; the world is way too short on deep thinkers. We need your help.

I’ll call you later. As it is now, I am stuck in a computer lab attempting to solve algebra problems. I’ll be the one with the 479 area code, so pick up, or I will leave you an obnoxious message. Maybe I will play a really crap song like “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.”

You wouldn’t want that now, would you?

Love,

bc

Bruce

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 12:51 pm

Jeff:

Somewhere I heard the phrase “normal is just a statistical abstraction”. I’m way out here on the left coast, so looking you up and knocking on your door is not an option for me. And I want you to know that you are one of the best, and one of my most favorite writers.

Your post got me looking at BPD as something that might be a problem for me. I took several on-line tests, none of which, of course, told me anything substantive. I do know I have “problems with relationships” - four failed marriages and two failed live-in relationships pretty much nails that. And abandonment issues. Everyone leaves. They may walk out or they may be carried out, but everyone leaves. Me, I know this, and I keep at it, because no matter how inept I may be, I’d rather try to have someone else in my life than not.

But that’s just me.

Thank you for the most courageous post I’ve ever read, anywhere.

leelu

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 2:01 pm

As you know, I’m always around for you (and not only that way), and today you revealed your proverbial balls are as big as your…you know…by telling people this.

xoxoxoxo

Feisty

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 2:39 pm

At first, i only thought… wow.
how fucking crazy

then i started thinking about it. how you lied all the time.
even the about on the stories page is confusing:
I put on here lies that are true.

(or something to that effect)
so how do i know what you’re saying is true

on the other hand.
if this really is real.
good luck dude.
and i hope with all my heart that you realize
that there are so many people out there, who would hate to see you go.
you have such an amazing power.
your stories are so extremely emotional.
usually that stuff doesn’t touch me.
but yours does.

Prerna

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 3:33 pm

Texted you … Holding you in my thoughts. Still can’t marry you, what with polygamy being illegal and all, but cyber hugs are heading your way. They haven’t outlawed those yet.

Ruth

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 5:01 pm

I have nothing but respect for your writing - perhaps your disorder is an asset in that regard. Its some of the most honest I’ve come across.

Doug Cress

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 5:09 pm

Jeff,

I grew up with a profoundly disassociative mom, who was essentially mentally ill but never really got diagnosed as such. Deeply disfunctional family, etc. A lot of what you describe really hits home with me. The distancing behaviors based out of feelings of unworthiness. The “why even try” mentality. The congitive awareness that this is probably way off base, but the visceral, emotional mandate that keeps you tied to the wrong messages.

So you see, you aren’t alone. I personally believe that our society in generally is becoming dissociative. We are collectively losing the ability to connect with each other.

Here’s an article I wrote a few years back which deals with a lot of the same issues.

Left Behind

Things have gotten better for me in recent years, but it’s still a struggle at times. And from personal experience, I can assure you that while it sucks, your preception of your condition is colored by a lot of other things, and can tend to get overly-catastrophized at times. More of that, “if they really knew the truth” lie.

Jeff, take comfort in the fact that the people who’ve posted here now know “the truth,” and it doesn’t seem to matter to them/me/us one damn bit. If anything, it deepens the connection we feel with you.

Sadly, I’m halfway around the world, so I can buy you a beer, but I promise I’ll crack one for you tonight.

Oh, and by way of a P.S.- the best friends I’ve got are the ones who aren’t afrain to call me on my bullshit when I get all maudlin and go into hermit mode. So, you know, advanced warning and all that (otherwise know as “be careful what you ask for…”).

~Steve~

Steve B

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 8:17 pm

Jeff, you know there is a reason that we keep coming back to you. Even if you don’t treat us as friends, we are. We are here for you as much as we can be and only mean the best when we call you out on your bullshit, as Steve said above.

I know that you are going through a tough time and tough love doesn’t feel very good, but I promise you that we have your best interests at heart.

Anyway, good luck. Call on us if you need us and goldarnit, let me buy you a damn beer the next time I’m in town!

spurringirl

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 8:31 pm

So, I’m that 20 year old girl you were talking about…though not in her dorm room, but her apt. Something about your article just hit home. I feel the same way you do a lot. I go through numerous mood swings for no apparent reason and I know they’re going on, but I cannot control them. So many people say “just be happy” but that’s impossible when you can’t control yourself. Oh what I would give to be able to just snap out of this. To feel the love that everyone DOES have for me. To feel like I’m actually worth something would be amazing! But there’s something that does not allow it. I know it’s there, but there’s no way to get rid of it. I try to overcome it, but it can’t be overcome.

So thank you for letting me know I am not alone in this world, and I hope you know you are not either. There is no way out of it, you just have to deal with it. I try to tell myself I am worth something every day and whenever the self hatred gets bad. And when I’m not enough, my boyfriend is there to tell me how wonderful I am, but even that doesn’t work sometimes. But the fact that he loves me through it all is something amazing and something I will never understand. I just hope it doesn’t get so bad that I leave him in fear of him hating me.

But we just have to take life day by day. Try to not overreact to things, even tho that’s quite impossible as well. I’m so grateful for the days that I can enjoy life and be happy and grateful for the days I survive. There’s no cure for us…we just have to push through until the end. I’ve tried god…i dunno if he’s really there. If he were it’d sure as hell be nice if he’d show his face.
Well, if you ever wanna talk about anything, feel free to email me…greatbearfan@hotmail.com. Just know you’re not alone..

Anonymous

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 8:37 pm

I’m glad you posted this: I always wondered what you were up against in your day-to-day, and now that I know, it makes it somehow easier to understand how different things are for you than what you wish they could be.

Please, don’t ever stop writing. Your worst day at the keyboard still creates stories, spins worlds tens of times beyond what I can imagine on my own. It’s fantastic to read, and I’m glad you’ve started to publish more of it.

Christopher

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 10:14 pm

Not much I can add to the other comments. Since I’m an ex-addict, I understand the “Why don’t you just not do it?” thing.

I suspected you had some sort of personality disorder, but you had your reasons for keeping it to yourself. Not sure you did yourself any favors, though.

Some people won’t bother to understand. Many will, but they won’t be able to overcome your defensiveness. Some will, and will accept your behavior as just you, but now explicable. And a few, a precious few, will understand and will attempt to get inside your defenses.

If I lived near you, I could be your friend. Difficult people don’t bother me all that much. I know a little bit about using your personality to keep people at a distance.

I’ll keep coming back, because I like you. That opinion is based only on your output here, but you can’t change it.

Chris

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 10:36 pm

Hi Jeff,

You wouldn’t know it from looking for any comments of mine, but I am actually a regular reader here. I’ve come to enjoy the sharp edge of your wit and the way you cut through all the crap and get to the heart of whatever matter you are discussing in your posts, to the point where I miss my fix when you take a break from posting.

This “coming out” of yours today — wow. Not, mind you, because I am shocked that you shared your diagnosis with all of us (hopefully as more and more people learn about BPD and other disorders, society’s capacity for compassion and understanding will increase). And, not because I am surprised that you have “something” eating at you. Your mood swings come through quite clearly in your writing. It’s part of what makes you such a powerful writer. Even if experiencing such extremes so often back to back is not “normal”, every one of us has experienced the emotions and reactions to situations that you describe, somewhere, sometime in our lives. You write, and we can all relate.

No, my “wow” is merely a reaction to the coincidence of things. One of my close friends also has BPD. She too has a blunt honesty about her that I find refreshing, if somewhat bruising at times. As she struggles with the feelings you describe, I learn from her how to react in ways that are supportive and helpful. When I blunder (and I have, several times) she tells me. Very clearly. Which is good, because of what use am I to her as a friend if I cannot learn how to be a better one? I will not let her push me away as a friend, but I try to read her so that I know when it is I need to give her space, and when it is I need to call her seven(ty seven) times until she picks up.

This comment, really, is just to let you know that not everyone is an ignorant idiot when it comes to BPD. There are those among us who have heard of it, and who are not afraid to have as a friend someone who suffers from it. You are not alone!

Take care, Jeff, and keep writing!

pistachoo

Sunday, August 5th, 2007, 11:42 pm

Jeff,

I found your blog a couple of years ago, and read you, well, often (I can’t say hourly, daily, or anything, but it’s often…). You’re one of the primary influences that led me to blog the limited amount I have, and yes, I realize that’s a sort of backhanded compliment. :)

I think you’ve actually alluded to your …problem… a few times over the years. Maybe it just takes some reading between the lines, but the actual facts being spelled out wasn’t a suprise to me. It bears repeating, though, that actually coming out and saying all of it is hard, and I admire you for being willing and able to do so.

Interpersonal relationships are difficult for you, except maybe through the safety of distance…but you have friends and admirers out here, and probably quite a few more than you think. I’m sure I’m not the only one that remembers you were the one that put the definitive analysis of the CBS documents together, and explained it in such a way that anybody could/should be able to “get it”. That and many of the other subjects you’ve chosen over the years are complex, and you have a knack for putting things in a way that makes it easy to read.

Anyway - as some of the other commenters have said, I don’t comment here much, but I’m a regular reader. I have gotten to know you - sort of - for a couple of years now, and I, too, will keep coming back because I like you.

wg

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 1:14 am

Thank you for sharing your personal insight into this disorder so articulately with the world.

Steve

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 2:32 pm

Jeff,
I can’t even imagine how you found the courage to write this post. I applaud your courage and your honesty. I appreciate your candor admitting that, like most of us, you haven’t got your shit together.
I love that you have faced this and admitted what it is that you need from folks, as best you understand it. I love that you have made yourself vulnerable to us, your readers all over the world, and asked us to love on you. I hope you’ll find meaningful support and encouragement.
Thank you for shining a little bit of light on the most personal of issues. I really hope that this post helps all of us to understand the idea that what we know of people is what they let us know…there’s always more to the story.
I have more respect for you, because of this, than I can say. Take care of yourself, Jeff.
Heather

Heather

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 2:41 pm

Jeff - I followed a link to your BPD post from Metafilter.com, and read it with interest as the younger brother of a woman with that diagnosis. Thank you for your candid explanation of your perspective on this condition. I have spent much time trying to sympathize with and understand my sister, and have inferred aspects of your explanation from the DSM-IV and her observed (and reported) behavior.
But your explanation and candor have provided the best insight yet. I don’t know that I’ll be able to get along with her any better, but I’ll have your perspective to draw on.
As to what you need, of course I cannot say. But you are not alone. And your courage in honestly addressing BPD should prove an overture to those who care about (but have not understood) you, and a great example for others suffering the condition.
Thank you for sharing.
-v

vi2pr8r

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 2:46 pm

[…] overly dramatic post from yesterday got linked from a popular group blog today. I guess it’s popular; my […]

The Shape of Days: Somebody’s listening

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 3:25 pm

I don’t know you, and this is the first time I’ve ever read your blog. What you’ve written here is very powerful and very brave. What you are experiencing is real (not simply a degree of variation from a statistical norm), and the awareness that you’ve achieved is a victory in itself.

I recently got out of a relationship with someone who, while not diagnosed with BPD, fit many of the criteria. Your post has helped me better understand the time I spent with this person and some of the things that happened.

JM

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 3:45 pm

As someone who is about to marry a man with BPD, I totally see what you’re going through—but from the outside. That’s right, I said I was marrying someone with BPD. We’ve been together for almost 8 years and I couldn’t be happier. It’s taken patience from both of us, but we managed to figure out a way to deal with our downfalls and up?-falls.

My fiance, J., suffers the severe mood swings and, at times, a debilitating fear of abandonment. When we first met, he almost convinced me to leave. We had a huge fight, he said horrible and hateful things. It came out of nowhere, I had never experienced anything like it. I thought “he’s fucking crazy.” Then I spoke with a friend of mine who’s cousin had a psychotic break when he was 18. She said that maybe J. had a mental illness, so I gave him a call (he sounded surprised) and that was when he told me about his problem.

And we still have our problems, it’s a struggle that we both have to live with. But we do. We both live with it. I’ve learned that J. isn’t a caring, honest, and selfless man despite his illness, the illness isn’t a flaw, it’s a part of him and I wouldn’t want him any other way.

J. once told me that he thinks he might have found a way to “trick” his brain. You said that the part of your brain that would normally prevent you from acting a certain way is what’s all wonky. J. told me that he figured out a way to trust that I wouldn’t leave (and my stubborn streak). He can yell and scream and storm around, and I wait. I don’t really respond, which to some seems cruel, but it works.

We’re really honest with each other, and it isn’t like I’m the control in this little experiment. J. (and you) has the misfortune of suffering a exaggerated form of what everyone experiences. None of us are normal by any means, if anything I think “normal” is a stigma as much as “sick” or “disabled.” I had to convince J. that just because he’s “sick” doesn’t mean that I don’t have my own mental stumbling blocks.

I guess what I’m saying is, you’re not alone. We’ve all got our problems, some more magnified and difficult than others. We just all have to be honest with each other and your article is a testimony to that honesty.

Thank you for this and good luck.

Veruca

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 3:55 pm

None of us is normal, hon.

Never teh Bride

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 4:23 pm

“I am a sick man. … I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man. I believe my liver is diseased. However, I know nothing at all about my disease, and do not know for certain what ails me.” -Dostoyevsky, “Notes from Underground” (Project Gutenberg Link).

I’m not sure if I’d recommend this book to anyone with BPD. I read it while going to and from university on the bus and spent most of the trip crying, but if you ever want a really deep look at what being borderline really means, I’d recommend reading this.

Borderline Personality Disorder is one of the many labels that’s been kicked around for me. I’m not sure whether it fits 100%, but it’s close enough that I appreciate how hard this must have been to write. Of course I’d also guess it was a massive relief to write. That’s the hardest thing I’ve found, is that constant tug of war between fear and desire.

Jeff, let me say this, I don’t know if it’ll help you or not, but it has helped me. When you’re a borderline, almost everything is an act of extreme courage. Simple things, applying for a job, talking to a stranger, sometimes getting out of the bed in the morning require fighting through layers of fear. The fact that you’re here, walking around and still trying means your stronger than anyone will ever guess. That strength is something to hang on to.

Grimgrin

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 4:31 pm

all i can say is life comes in different forms…square pegs in round holes and all that. Just keep living,producing and loving the best you can and you will have something to look back on with pride when you get old.

bi-polar girl

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 4:36 pm

I inherited my BPD from my father. I’ve tried to explain it to people, but (as you know) they don’t understand or they don’t care. I overheard someone a friend (as much as anyone like us could call someone a friend) telling a third party that the only way to deal with me was to pretend I wasn’t human — “pretend he’s an alien with no fucking idea of how humans interact, and then he’s okay to hang around with for brief periods of time.”

“Just don’t do that / say that / be like that” is going to get someone punched, or worse, one day.

anonymous

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 4:39 pm

Jeff,

I do understand. Took me a very long time to figure out — still working on it — but it runs in my husband’s family and has manifested in small and large ways in our offspring.

Struggling daily with a nearly adult child I love dearly, who does not have the insight you do.

We’re still struggling with how to even get through to her what the problem is. How do you do that?

ckennedy

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 4:58 pm

Holy cow, man. That took brass balls. Good for you. You have my best wishes for good luck, good health and prosperity.

Dave

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 5:02 pm

I’m sorry you have to have this in your life. It sounds exhausting. I love your post, though: I’m going to love the borderline people in my life a lot harder now. A lot more vocally. I miss them, even though they’re hard to be around. I wish there was some comforting truth I could remind you of, but there isn’t. You write really well. And, your post inspires me to love people more. You, even.

isabel

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 5:25 pm

BPD, along with schizophrenia and repeat sex offenders, are considered the three most difficult problems for psychologists to deal with.

That said, psychiatric medicine as well as neuroscience are really growing by leaps and bounds. And what we are finding is that the brain is more plastic then we thought.

New drug therapies using entirely different chemical models are coming out about every five years now, and that seems to be accelerating.

So you need not to give up.

If you sought psychiatric (as opposed to psychological) treatment in the past, you should consider trying it again. There are whole new classes of drugs that may help you.

Go out and look into it. Contact researchers in the field, and see what’s happening. Look up articles on PubMed and PsychINFO on BPD treatment. Write about it.

Your not helpless.

Gryftir

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 5:25 pm

I have a small amount of empathy for you, in that while I don’t suffer from what you do, I have been medicated and seen therapists in regards to horrendously wild mood swings. I’ve never been formally diagnosed with anything, which is almost even more frustrating, because everyone I’ve ever known cannot relate to the way I think, admits to wondering why I am the I am, etc… so I know that something is up. All I know is, you’re not alone. I mean, you probably feel as if you might as well be, but you’re not. And science is coming a long way. There may very well be a time in the future when we can change brains. I, for one, hope that will be the case.

Keer

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 5:32 pm

Hey.

Why does so much of what you’ve described sound so similar to bipolar disorder? I mean that as a rhetorical question, more to illustrate that, I don’t know, some of what you’ve said I feel like I understand deeply. I’m manic-depressive, an association which I’m sure you’ve already made. Admittedly some of what you talk about sounds more foreign to me, but I’ve written something that seems remarkably like this, if with much poorer phrasing and explanation, on my own journal/blog thing a while back. It made me feel better in a much darker time, at least.

Send me an email if you want. I don’t want to take up much room on your comment board.

Kate

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 6:48 pm

214 is Dallas. I was in the big D once when I was handcuffed to drooling meth addicts waiting to be inlisted as an in patient. Here’s my combo for living: drugs, therapy and faking it. I fake it everyday. It sucks, but I suppose it’s better than being dead — at least for my family and friends, not me. Most of the time I don’t believe they care, but once I made the mistake of attempting suicide. I woke up in the hospital a day or two later crying and pleading to my mother, “why didn’t it work?” I didn’t understand my mother’s and sister’s response of horrific sobs. But I learned that I just can’t do that to do someone or anyone. I was lucky to see my family and friends response and that has kept me alive to this day (10 years) later. And supposedly this illness eases with age. I don’t really know if that’s true, but I feel better than I did 10 years ago. So maybe that’s some hope to keep going.

There is a doctor I liked in Dallas. I don’t live there anymore. If you want to know his name, please email.

good luck.

Rachel

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 6:50 pm

Hello, Jeff,

I just wanted to let you know that I, too, some stranger at the other end of a series of wires, understand quite a lot of the experiences you describe. No, I haven’t got BPD; it’s PTSD in my case. Similarly, it has cost me many friendships and jobs. And I often can’t shake this ever-present belief that I have somehow deeply offended everyone I know, that my friends, at best, simply put up with my company (just before reading this I’ve just spent the last hour or so pacing around my apartment plotting out how various conversations over the past week should have gone, retracing everything I feel I should have said). I can’t get out of my head — people think I’m self-absorbed. I have dissociative spells when I get very stressed out, too. And out of fear of abandonment, I keep people from getting close to me through an amazing feat of emotional detachment, made easier by the fact that, while being pretty sensitive, I have no capacity to express emotions.

You’re definitely not alone in this, Jeff. You’ve been of some encouragement to me today, and I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

Sincerely,
John

John

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 6:50 pm

Jeff,
I don’t know you and you don’t know me (though we’ve traded emails a few times over the years). I’m one of those readers who started reading your blog because of your 2004 “notoriety”. You’re a good writer. I wouldn’t have kept reading if you weren’t. (Though I never looked at that picture a few years ago.)

Regardless, we’ve all got problems. I’m not saying mine are more difficult than yours - it may well be that they’re not. My wife left me because I couldn’t get past one of mine and when I finally did, it was too late.

I distinctly remember sitting in the doctor’s office when he told me there was something (very) medically wrong with me. I felt like collapsing. Not because it was a shock, but because I had been under such strain for so very long. I thought I was just mentally weak and needed to “suck it up” to get through my situation. When I learned that I was SUPPOSED to be feeling like I was feeling, well, that helped me. Yeah, my situation is different, but I’ll just suggest that you are supposed to be how you are. You needn’t feel ashamed nor depressed over being the person you are supposed to be. No one can realistically expect you to do more than your best.

I have no real words of wisdom. I’d love to give you an internet link that will fix everything, but alas, I’d love one of those myself. I can only say that I hope things get better for you. I don’t know what will help you. Maybe God. Perhaps family. Maybe friends. Maybe a stranger on the train. Maybe just your own stubborness and refusal to succumb. Keeping a journal (much like this) of your good times is very good to reflect on. It will show you the good times that you can’t always remember when you’re down. Re-read some of your old stuff. Who knows?

Nonetheless, I wish you well in your struggles.

matt

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 6:52 pm

hi,

i too followed the link from metafilter (something tells me you may get more traffic than usual today) and your post made me smile with recognition.

you write with a great deal of self awareness and insight, and also with empathy - you show a lot of understanding of other people’s feelings (like what the 20 year old girl may be going through, or why your friends might not understand your problem), even though you might have trouble relating to them on a personal basis.
believe me, this is a skill that most people do not have to a great extent, or are able to use effectively.

i’ve been through some interesting times, and had lots of support to get over them, and i can recognise a lot of the behaviours and patterns of thinking you describe (like why you might not go to see a movie, and the insecurities that underly it) as things i, or people i know, have experienced. i suspect everyone goes through phases like these at one time or another, but your difference is that you still seem to be going through it.

even with all the help i had, i don’t think i would be as settled today if i hadn’t also understood what i was going through, what the underlying reasons were and what i could change about myself to help. you’ve said that you have trouble seeing therapists, which means that you’re going to have to do this for yourself, but i think you can, because you have the self-awareness to do it.

a lot of it is about training yourself into different patterns of thinking, so rather than going into a negative cycle of emotions in response to something, you can call on your experiences of positive things to make yourself feel better. training your mind to think in a particular way is just like doing weights - lots of reps, start off with small experiences and build up to more intense ones. i’m only writing from my own experience, so i’m not sure i can offer the best advice, but the branch of psychology that deals with this sort of thing is called cognitive behavioural therapy. having just looked at wikipedia, the entry seems pretty good.

good luck to you. i hope you find peace.

fay

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 6:53 pm

Of course you have a disconnect from reality, you’re a writer! Situation normal.

fay

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 7:19 pm

Howdy,

Thanks for your description of your experience of living with Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m currently in school to become a therapist, and as you can imagine, we discuss Borderline Personality Disorder quite a bit. Many therapists just refer people with BPD out, due to the difficulties you describe with trust and the explosive anger. However, many of my instructors have had longterm BPD clients, and have described the experience of doing therapy with these clients as “grueling” and “brutal”, but are proud of the connections they have managed to achieve with their BPD clients. My instructors report progress can be made, and symptoms can be reduced, but it’s a long term process.

A interesting account of a BPD client being seen by a therapist is in the book “Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy” by McWilliams.

Personally, I am very thankful to have read your account. It has given me a little insight into BPD, and a little hope that I can be helpful should someone with BPD come to me for therapy in the future. I really am inspired by your unflinching courage it took to look at yourself and tell it like it is. I am working to do the same thing myself.

Best,

Dave

Dave

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 7:34 pm

I too came here from a link off Metafilter and your story touched me deeply.

I am currently on treatment for anxiety and depression, which I’ve had since 2002 (well, possibly much earlier; it was only officially diagnosed then). I was actually doing quite well for a while, been off meds and managed to get through challenges and lived a good life…but then for a couple of months earlier this year, everything fell apart.

I was in university, overloaded with everything. I was in a job whose ethics bothered me. I had assignments that didn’t inspire me. I was going through severe trust issues with my boyfriend over a stupid stupid mistake. I have severe trust issues ANYWAY, and I also have abandonment issues - everyone I know has either moved away or disappeared, so why bother trying to make new friends, like you said? I was being harassed in college too (some idiot wrote threatening messages on my door and I had to move) and I was stressed out trying to coordinate 93849283 things at once. I was trying to be Superwoman and I was failing.

For one week in June, EVERYTHING unravelled. In a fit of despair, thinking I was doing the right thing, I broke up with my boyfriend. I couldn’t love him as much anymore, I couldn’t feel anything, I couldn’t be what he deserved, so why bother? The breakup was disassociative: it was like I was following a script. I didn’t want to break up but it felt like I had to. I quit my job (actually the best thing I did that week). I frequently contemplated running away, disappearing, or suicide. I thought about getting myself injured and in hospital just to see if anyone would visit me, running away and seeing if anyone would look for me. I was an absolute mess.

By the time I thought about jumping off a platform at college, I knew I needed help. My moods were swinging MADLY and I was in constant pain. Even singing lessons (which usually cheered me up) weren’t making me happy anymore. I went to my college director and asked for assistance. She brought me to the uni docs, who prescribed me Effexor-XR (an anti-depressant) and helped me arranged psychologist sessions (Brisbane government has a special program where you get 6 sessions at a low price).

My mum flew in from Malaysia to Australia to stay with me for a month and take care of me. My boyfriend still kept close friendships with me, he was always my best friend and still listened to me and took care of me despite all the hurt I’ve caused him. I managed to squeak out my final assessments. I just wanted that semester to be done and over with.

I went back home for the midyear break and that helped a LOT. No deadlines, nothing due, just time for myself to think. I had to think about a LOT of things - what I felt about love, what I felt about trust, what relationships meant to me. I had a deep talk with my best friend who has gone through abuse and hard times and still came out strong. I kept myself busy with other things, things I was interested in. Soon I got back my strength, using some of the skills I learnt and through the support of my friends.

I talked things over with my boyfriend, and we decided to get back together and give it another try. Now things are going SO GREAT, it’s like new love again, it’s all so cute. And even if there are problems I can manage them better instead of going all nutty haywire like I did a few months ago.

Uni isn’t so great - it’s not TERRIBLE but it’s not AWESOME either - but I’m not so busy so that takes a lot of the toll away. I’m actually writing this in the airport waiting for a series of flights to New York for the UN Youth Assembly, a lifelong dream. Things are getting better. It’s still HARD, yes, and it’s not perfect, and I still have a lot of work to do. But I still have family and friends and a partner that did not give up on me no matter what. I still have my dreams. I have help.

I don’t know if I’m BPD necessarily. Trust issues? YES. Abandonment issues? YES. Mood swings? Sometimes. Disassociation? Sometimes. Unlike you, though, I can’t really lie - I find it difficult to do so. I’m honest to a fault.

But I can relate to your pain because i’ve been there. I know it hurts terribly, I know it’s torturous. I feel for you. I sincerely hope things get better for you soon.

Loads of hugs.

Tiara

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 7:52 pm

There is a great singer named Vienna Teng who is outwardly perfectly normal, but has has moments of angry self-destruction feelings in her life she has had to cope with. Her way of dealing with difficult emotions is to turn them into characters in her head and ask them “what’s the problem?” She wrote a song called “My Medea” from the point of view of one of these characters. Amazing work. Listen to it… you will be moved, and may give you a different point of view on the subject, for all we know. http://kawaiiayu.elysianfield.net/temp/My%20Medea.mp3

Teng fan

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 8:12 pm

Me too.

Michael

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 8:30 pm

I understand. I’ve been diagnosed with BPD too.

Look up the STEPP (I think that’s what it is) program on google. I haven’t tried it myself yet, but I’m on a waiting list. It looks interesting, and might be beneficial if they have it in your area.

Diena

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 8:41 pm

Good luck, I myself feel like I am slipping further and further into mental illness as I leave my teens and enter adulthood. I identify with many of your sentiments and appreciate you writing about them.

My only solice has been finding an acceptance of death, of me as an individual and of all things, and reinforcing my apathy with a sense of well-being. Even if it’s depressing for the idealists, it’s an accurate world view and takes some of the burden off your selfhood and weighs it on the superfluous society we’re doomed to exist in.

Cheers!

J

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 8:49 pm

Hope this helps:

http://www.biologicalunhappiness.com/

Anonymous

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 9:22 pm

I understand a little; i have lived with a girl who has the same problems since 1996. The first 3 years of our relationship were the most difficult. Since 1999 the intervals of ‘smooth sailing’ have been getting longer.
When we first met she was 29, and around 33, due to changes in body chemistry, hormones, etc, things got a little better each year. We still have 1-3 day episodes of ‘bad times’, but endure together with confidence that there is another ‘good cycle’ coming. Hope this gives you some hope. I’ll try to retrieve some notes of a set of medications we tried for 8 months that i think helped.
Always, sandy.

Sandy

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 9:29 pm

This is so incredibly brave. I don’t know you - frankly, I linked here from MetaFilter - but I am incredibly touched and impressed by what you have done. Be well. Take care of yourself. You are worthy.

Erin

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 9:31 pm

hi. thought you might be interested in this
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_Disintegration

Hedgehog

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 9:58 pm

I came here from Metafilter too and I’m glad I did.
I don’t have any significant me too’s or words of wisdom. Nothing I have to say is going to elaborate on the human condition or our place in it. What I can do is say this - you aren’t alone. Lots (all?) of us live on the edge of personal interaction and wonder if we can fake it through another day. Maybe we’re wounded, maybe we’re broken, or maybe that’s just what it means to be human.
Don’t give up. Don’t lose faith in us. Don’t lose faith in yourself.

Paul

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 10:04 pm

you know well why you’re ‘coming out’.
the truth is tomorrow will be just like today and yesterday, it’s already forgotten.
while i’ve only gone to one psych, she told me that she was exactly like me in her teens, up to her 50s. At 50, single & living with parents, she says suddenly it dawns on her that the ‘me’ in her, is actually one person with two different voices, and she only likes that one voice, the nice one.

i think you should just listen to the voice you like.

mon

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 10:09 pm

I was told today that I was well enough to work, despite thinking otherwise and I’m scared that I’ll get bored at filing, get into a row I can’t handle and be fired - and now I’m “normal” this will be all my fault. I feel I should have acted worse in the interview, pr at least as badly as I did afterwards when they said I wasn’t that bad. It’s wretched and hopeless.

Um, apart from that thanks for sharing. Always nice to be not the only mentalist on the block.

Anonymous

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 10:20 pm

What I can tell you is that there is no magic cure for what you have. The best thing I have found to do when I lose control is to find a focal point and try desperately to remind myself that I am in control.

I wish you the best of luck and ask you to make the best of what you have.

Jason

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 10:32 pm

I feel the same way you do sometimes. I flip out and get mad and not even remember it the next day. I feel kinda disconnected and lonely too. My social connections never work out either becuase I have williams syndrome and it is very hard being like this. I am also hypersensitive to everything and I often make a big huge deal out of one thing someone says to me and cry about it all day long. I am also insecure about some things and I just want a friend but the world is getting more and more antisocial and finding a trure friend is even harder and I am crying as I write this. I am tired of being alone and afraid. I am not afraid to talk to people, but afraid to make friends becuase every freind I have made has turned on me becuase I am not doing them favors or not sucking thier ass 24-7. I have fear of rejection big time and I just need someone other than family to understand. I am also 22 and alot of the older people don’t really understand me. They think I am some unruly wild whore with no soul. I am negative becuase all I know is negativity. I wish the world was a more positive place and people would get over thier fears and stop worrying about the way they look for a while and take the time to love and respect eachother no matter age, income, religion, whatever.

lilly

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 10:43 pm

Hey. I’m sure you’ve heard about Dialectical Behavior Therapy. But just in case you hadn’t, I highly recommend it. It’s a structured, skills-based CLASS that goes hand in hand with individual therapy with a therapist who works with DBT. DBT was designed specifically for people with BPD. I’m “lucky” enough to only have had severe depression (which I’m pretty sure doesn’t touch BPD), but DBT has helped me way more than I ever thought would be possible.

Thanks for opening up to combat the stigma.

Another one

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 10:54 pm

Hello. I’m sixteen and was diagnosed with BPD sometime last year.
Thank you for explaining what I could never put into words.

alisha

Monday, August 6th, 2007, 11:08 pm

You have to heal yourself. You’re not going to get the reassurance you need. Why? Humans are social beings who are also hugely self-reliant. You’re not going to get the round-the-clock reassurance you need. You need exercise, good diet, maybe meditation.

You’ve put the word out, “I’m fucked.” And you are. And only you can unfuck yourself. Your disease is partly that you want to be saved. That can’t happen.

sean bedlam

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 12:22 am

I think it’s incredibly courageous to say what you’ve said. You may actually have courageous personality disorder as well. The DSM-IV lists traits of CPD as: 1. feeling the fear and doing it anyway, 2. having something to be courageous about, 3. not having all the answers but pushing forward anyways, 4. having self-doubts rattle around in your head like a pachinko game, but still able to declare yourself to the world, 5. being able to dust yourself off after a failed relationship, job, etc. and move forward and fuck everything up all over again, 6. give strength to others just by telling your story.

CPD gets worse with age and is chronic. Only by denying yourself and trying to conform to everyone else’s expectations do you have a good chance at slowing its progress. But sadly, even after doing these things the self re-asserts and CPD symptoms return.

The Great & Powerful Oz

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 1:13 am

Hi, I didn’t read the whole page because my attention span has around about the same capacity as one of those little bugs with the creepy eyes, but for the 20 seconds or so I did read, I really enjoyed. That’s not to say that reading about another persons misfortune is enjoyable for me, but I enjoyed your style of writing, and your humour. I like to write, but every time I start writing, I delete it all because I think that somebody won’t like it or think it’s good enough.. I’m surprised I haven’t deleted this yet. I’m not actually trying to impress you with my writing though, so I guess that’s why I’m still typing.

I just wanted to say that I had a slightly good time reading your writing and that although I can’t really relate to any of it, I mean, that sounds wrong. I mean. I don’t know. I can’t even compare anything with what you’ve written. Although I once had a panic attack and threw some toothbrushes at someone. I didn’t write that because I thought that it was as serious/complicated as what you’re going through because in all honesty I could never even start to comprehend what happens to your brain.

I’m really sorry if I’ve offended you, and I’ve just realised that this is a public post, and I’ve written you a strange message and lots of people are probably going to read it and say ‘Wow, shut up.. please..’

Ok, I have to stop. waves

Cyn

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 2:05 am

Dude, just push through. I know it’s impossible, but do it anyway. You must try, try to push through. If you fail, try again, and if you fail once more, it’s time to try again. Repeat until happy. This is all I’ve got for you… and I really do wish I could help you. I mean, in doing so maybe I can help myself. But alas, I cannot. I can only give you a few words of experience. Please, just try to push through this. No one will save you, just you, and it fucking sucks BUT DO IT ANYWAY! Good luck!

unimportant

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 2:12 am

[…] A blogger describes, with pretty damn good insight, her struggle with her own borderline personality…. Sounds about right to me, and well-written, too. […]

over my med body! » Being Borderline

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 2:12 am

Hi Jeff

This is a strange thing for me to comment on your post. I fear I don’t have to say to you. I fear I would never be able to make you feel better. I fear that I will go unnoticed in the strange world that is your life.

I do however want to tell you how I admire you, how I respect you, and how I envy you. Your writing often inspires me to look deeper within myself and search for answers. I respect your courage and strength that has kept you with is this long, and your unwavering talent for writing. I envy your life, and your own understanding of it. I envy the fact that you know who you are.

I have always felt that I am lost. I never know where I’m going, and I barely know who I am. You at least know. You know your what makes you work. I am still to find that out.

You have so many friends, so many people who love you, and even more people that respect you and your writing.

You have a collective world reaching out to you, and asking you to hold on.

Keep Well
M

(All the way from South Africa)

Manie

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 2:24 am

The book “Guide to Rational Living” by Ellis, et al, helped me, as did a meditative practice (think yoga, zen, lots of meditation practices out there, just try one that appeals). These things did not cure me, but they helped me avoid so many swings so fast and to reduce the extremes. “Coming out” like this is the beginning of getting better, IMHO, because the process of training ourselves to give less of a crap what other people are thinking, that “fuck it” moment, is good for us — at least it was good for me. As the Buddha says, life is struggle; it will never be “easy”, but, then, it never was.
best

John L

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 2:37 am

This post has made me understand a good friend with BPD. I realized that the reason our friendship works is because it is based on uncritical support. We call each other when support is needed and never judge the other. But there are probably two people in the world she could take criticism from, and I’m not one of them. I knew this all on some level before, but after reading this post, I understand a lot more. Thank you.

I don’t know if you’ll see this or not, but I hope you do. You’ve provided a little bit of enlightenment to someone with a host of different mental problems (albeit the mundane ones of depression and ADHD) into something that a friend of his copes with. Her actions suddenly make sense. And I think this will make it easier to make sure our friendship doesn’t die.

Anonymous

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 3:41 am

I had a very serious case of BPD, and it was driving me to despair.
My life was nothing much but suffering.

At age 27, I wanted to commit suicide, but in a talk with an old friend I changed my mind and decided to try something extremely drastical instead - an attempt to “heal” myself.

I thought I needed a lot of human contact - a lot of “positive feedback” to slowly rewire some of the hard-wired circuits in my brain that I was valuable to others. If you have never received love as a child, you need a lot of it, later, to help get a bit better, having Borderline Personality Disorder.

And so I went. I sold my belongings at 27, quit my job, took a backpack and went bumming around the world, working as I went, for seven years. I lived ten ordinary lives during that time. The first years were hard. I hurn many people and got hurt myself - a lot. Then it got better.

These 7 years almost killed me (I aquired a chronic, life-threatening illness on my rather “tough” travels of hitchhiking, bicycling and generally bumming around 2nd/3rd-world countries), but they also FIXED me to such an extent that I can now lead a “normal” life.

I’m 41 now. Still a borderliner, still “splitting” buch very much less so.
(They also say it gets better with age)

“Splitting” behavior - dividing everybody in “100% good” and “100% bad” - and letting people fall in the “bad” category for the slightest intransigence - is typical of BPD.
You can ameliorate the splitting by putting yourself in positions where you experience both good and bad from people. You simply need to meet a lot of people, have lots of relationships. The number and intensity of relationships you need to even remotely augment your BPD is near-impossible to attain when you lead an average life. Only by radically jumping into a lifestyle where you can keep “experimenting” and learning to ask others for help - be loved, you can very slowly heal yourself. But this takes a lifetime and will never be completed.

The fact is that a total lack of love as a child causes irrepairable damage to the circuitry of the brain. This has been shown in primates - a mother who never gotten maternal love will violently reject her own child because she is neither able to receive, nor give love.

We live longer than most primates and our brains are a little more flexible.
Better still: We are able to make plans for our betterment, and execute them methodicly.
I am not saying you should do as I did, but I can tell you that it helped tremendously.

Frank

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 5:18 am

[…] http://theshapeofdays.com/2007/08/05/how-do-you-put-a-title-on-something-like-this.html […]

August 6, 2007 « letters from the city

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 7:37 am

I’m a total stranger coming to this site for the first time … and your story sounds familiar. I was diagnosed borderline in college when I was twenty, and struggled with it for many years. Dating was impossible until I took a chance on a dork, and now he’s my husband. He’s nearly as messed up as I am, and we support each other very well. I hope you can find the same!!! Hang in there, it gets easier.

Julie

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 8:40 am

I wanted to read all the posts but couldn’t because there are so many! You’ve obviously a lot of supporters.

I have lived with a family member who has the same dis-order you do. I can never understand exactly what it must be like - but I do know that what you have done here is not only VERY BRAVE, but also it’s a step in the right direction to living a fuller life.

Your disorder is a physical one, and everyone who knows you should understand that it is a physical disability. So telling you to just staighten up, and ignore what your brain causes you to experience, is akin to telling a wheel-chair bound person to get his lazy ass up and walk. I’m not bashing your friend for telling you this, just trying to make a point.

My sister, whom I’ve always been really close to, has the same disorder. She disclosed her condition to me when I was in my early 20’s. At first I was scared of it, didn’t understand it, and felt sorry for her all the time. She’s delusional, especially when she doesn’t take her medication or when she’s really stressed out. And when she does take her meds, she suffers from serious lithargic spells, sometimes the meds have serious side effects like hair loss, etc. It’s a tough line to balance the meds against the condition even.

But those who know about her condition: we treat it like any other physical condition, we don’t judge her or her sometimes odd behaviour because we know whats going on! She jokes about it, we all do, she looks back and tells us stories about her odd compulsions and we often share a laugh about it.

Hopefully your revealing of your condition will help set you a bit free of it. You obviously have touched quite a few people judging by those who have left comments here. You’re not as alone as you think you are.

Recently my sister has been receiving new meds that are administered as a monthly injection - she says that they are far from perfect but are working fairly well. If you’re interested email me and I’ll ask her more about them. Please do not feel like you’re putting me out, I’d really be happy to do this for you.

Thanks for sharing this with us all, I appreciate it as someone who cares for another with your condition. We need to change the public attitudes on this condition to remove the social stigma towards it.

Kevin.

Kevin

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 11:41 am

Life comes at you in every direction. It’s overwhelming 9 times out of 10. I’ve learned that it everything eventually will unwind itself and work out. Maybe not how you had envisioned but you eventually get your feet back on the ground. The first time I had broken up with someone I cared deeply about I had never felt worse for myself. Added on top of that I had just moved to a new city where everything was harder and less familiar. Life for the most part was unbearable. Mostly at night. But then you eventually find yourself in a place where good things start to happen to you and realize that it doesn’t always suck. I hold on to that feeling of happiness and know that when I am feeling down I will someday, eventually feel that again. Remembering certain moments gets me through hard times. I focus on the good. I think it’s one of the reasons I feel so confused when a relationship has ended. I remember the good times like it was only 5 minutes ago but the other has lost all those. It gets better..I swear.

Magellan

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 1:16 pm

One thing that comforts me sometimes is knowing that everyone else is fucked up too, they’re just good at hiding it from everyone else. Sure, you’re only human, you have your flaws and even demons. So do i, and so does everyone. Try to remember that you’re just as good as everyone else, and you’re not even all that different. You’ve just had a hard time fitting in so far so your self-esteem is in the dumps.

Maybe you can learn to recognize and stop negative thoughts as they happen. When i realize i’m thinking about how people don’t like me, how i suck at life, etc, i try to stop that thought by thinking of anything else. It can be jarring, but staying positive really helps me deal with life.

Anonymous

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 1:35 pm

Wow. I cannot really add anything to help you, but to say that my wife of 12 years has your exact problem. And she does not even know it yet (she thinks that it is a combination of other things, because that is what her doctors hoped it was). I have known for about a month, after her nervous breakdown resulted in her becoming the “Belle of the Ward” for a week while she recovered her wits and overcame the irrational anger. By googling the phrase “walking on eggshells”. Something that I have told her that I was doing around her several times in the past, and she never once knew what I meant. It has taken me this long to finally come to understand her. Many others before me never did, and they each soon grew tired of trying to do so. I will not abandon her. Not as long as there is any “her” left in there.

As for my own problem? Aspergers. Just so you know.

JA

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 2:44 pm

I have BPD. I was diagnosed about ten years ago. And my life is quite similar to yours in terms of the negative effects it causes: I have pushed away friends and family, my job history is littered with failed attempts at getting a career together and I am a financial mess. I am not in therapy at the moment although I have tried several times in the past. I try to delude myself into believing I don’t have BPD because everything I have read about it makes me feel even more hopeless. But reading what you wrote made me feel better, even if just for a few moments. Good luck to you and thank you for sharing what you did.

Julie

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 3:15 pm

Thanks for publishing this post. I’m a social work major, and quite frankly think that textbooks tell me nothing, and I don’t believe in the looking down on a person method. I would rather actually hear people’s stories, and find that makes more sense. I don’t want to be the social worker from hell, your post is officially in my favorites.

Nickie

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 3:41 pm

Hi Jeff,
I am that twenty something girl reading and relating to your post. I just stumbled across your site, completely by “accident” - I am not even a web surfer! In fact, I am practically internet-illiterate…. I guess the point I am trying to make, is that maybe you did help someone. Maybe for a second, I .. I actually felt connected, felt understood. And yet you didn’t even know I was here… the most unlovable, pretty, “bubbly” (fake), smart, funny, moody and crazy girl… SIGH.

Thanks :) Thanks a lot. Really. I think you are incredibly brave to “out” your feelings and BPD. Cheers! -Jules

Julie

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 6:47 pm

Hey,
You are right, no one has answers. But look at how much the stigma has lifted against mental illness. It is still there quite profoundly, but nonetheless, it is lifting. Why? Because I truly believe that every one has some form of diagnosable “disorder”, that largely goes untreated. Just look at the crazy shit people do! If treatment was simple, non-judgemental and free (ha ha), maybe this world would not be full of the wild extremes of behaviors, the school shootings, suicides, murders, rapes, pedophiles…etc. Anyway, I am a nurse and see in myself some varied forms of your descriptions, and forms of your descriptions in the many people I take care of and their families.
I have to believe that one day, therapy and mental health will evolve to begin early and effectively, and be available for everyone.
It is the only way to have hope for the future.
I hope you have hope as well.
God bless you….don’t give up on Him either, I have to believe He is still taking your calls….
He is still checking His Voice Mail.

Wendy

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 8:33 pm

This is the most amazing post—the only other description I’ve read of BPD from the patient’s perspective was “Girl, Interrupted” and it’s amazing how different it all looks from someone with insight into their disorder. This was incredibly brave and insightful of you to write this—I hope that you achieve some measure of growth and peace through writing this, and any future writing you do.

Jenn

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 8:58 pm

Just another one of those 20 something girls- feeling damn ancient in her own skin. empathizing with your entire statement.

I spent months wondering how to explain to my would-be husband (at the time bf) how my brain works, or doesnt work for that matter. How to best prepare him for the inevitable mood-swings that would leave him surely questioning everything. Dreading his reaction. Hes a well-balanced, solid-family, even-headed as can be sort of man….perfect contrast for the dramatic turbulant sea of a girl he’s stuck with.

Its impossible to explain mental health issues to those who have never personally experienced them, and i think thats what causes the majority of stigma or lack of understanding. If you havent crawled through the flames you cant possibly understand what its like.

I dont have any answers either. Not a single one. The times when I really feel like im managing my “shit” are the times right before it all disintegrates into a grand mess. Right before the storm is always the brightest sunshine (or something). Ill be absolutely fine until im sitting with all of my friends at one table, immersed in conversation, appearing social- and then Im suddenly wondering what theyre really thinking, dissecting every sideways glance for signs of betrayal or distaste- absolutely sure that Im only there as some kind of punishment, as some form of pity on their part.

I will forever wonder what everyone else who’s going through this, all those scattered across the planet, are doing to balance it, to manufacture a state of general operation that allows them to function socially. If they are at all.

Thank you for writing this, for every word felt and experienced.
and thanks to my friend who posted a link to this for me to see- without ever saying my name.

Tae

Tuesday, August 7th, 2007, 11:04 pm

you have to not give up on the possibility of forming at least one meaningful relationship with another person. you have to make yourself strong by looking after your health. get fit. walk. eat good food. this will slowly start to make a difference to how you feel about yourself. make small connections with people, without expectations.

joh.

Wednesday, August 8th, 2007, 7:10 am

It takes one helluva person to be as honest as you’ve been today. Consider me a new fan. Rock on, man.

Suzanne

Wednesday, August 8th, 2007, 9:19 pm

Hi, Jeff-

Thanks so, so much for your post. My husband recommended that I read it and I’m incredibly glad I did… it’s very resonant for me in several ways.

I’m a therapist (clinical social worker) and work with a number of amazing people who have either been diagnosed with Borderline or will be when they turn 18 and are officially considered adults. When I read your post, I thought of one particular client who agonizes about explaining her problem to family in a way they can understand- and I can’t wait to share your writing with her because you have spelled things out in a way that really makes sense. I am certain that your ability to articulate your struggle will provide validation and comfort for my client. I spend a lot of time reading and talking about Borderline, so I’m very serious in saying you have put the experience into distinctive, memorable language.

Your description also hit home because I have two friends who flirted with suicide because of Borderline symptoms. Thankfully, both of them are still around. I also have a bunch of personality disorders in my family tree, so I grew up learning some pretty screwy ways to get my needs met. And here is where I echo an earlier poster’s recommendation for DBT (Dialectical-Behavioral Therapy), which was literally developed to treat Borderline. I firmly believe it saved the lives of both of my friends and that’s about the best sales pitch I can imagine. It is a LOT of work, but it allows people to learn healthier, more functional ways to get emotional needs met. Learning how to understand and apply DBT skills has radically improved the quality of my life and my relationships and has made me a much better therapist. Some days I think it’s the best thing since sliced bread. Even in the rural county where I live and practice, a number of providers offer DBT, so if you live in or near an urban area, you should be able to access it easily. If you’re not up for the treatment commitment right now, it’s worth reading about the DBT perspective on how Borderline originates… you didn’t wake up one day and decide it would be really fun to experience 8 out of 9, right?

Thanks again for your courage. Shoot me an email if you want more info about DBT.

Best wishes-

Julie

Julie

Thursday, August 9th, 2007, 12:00 am

Oops- missed the part about you living in D.C. Yep, that’s an urban area.

Julie

Thursday, August 9th, 2007, 12:03 am

My ex has BPD and I’m sending him the url to this post. As a bi-polar woman, I know it can be really hard to think differently, have mood swings, etc., and as the former partner of someone with BPD, I have seen how painful it can be (on the inside and being involved).

Thank you for writing this. BPD is way more common than I would have imagined before it affected my life, and it’s a tough thing to live with.

Thanks again.

Lavalady

Thursday, August 9th, 2007, 12:51 pm

Bravo. I’m not borderline, but I have depression and anxiety and I totally get the feeling of not being able to do what you want to do, even though you’re rational enough to understand what’s going on. Fortunately, there are antidepressants for me, and I’ve come to a place where I realize the profound effect my brain chemistry has had on my life. It’s true for everyone in one way or another. We’re all prisoners of our brains, but most people never see it quite so clearly. You, unfortunately, are stuck in a hellish situation but fortunately you seem to have people who love you and a great writing talent. That counts for something.

Jennifer

Thursday, August 9th, 2007, 1:38 pm

[…] well for Mr. Harrell. That’s not limited to his August rent check bouncing, and as he explains in How Do You Put A Title On Something Like This?, it’s not new and not likely to end […]

Daily Pundit » Cheshire Smile

Friday, August 10th, 2007, 2:32 am

I am curious about what kinds of therapy you tried, and for how long?

Terry at Counting Sheep

Friday, August 10th, 2007, 9:04 am

My 17 year old son is bipolar, possible BPD. I appreciate your post and the way you clearly explained what the heck is going on in your head. You’ve helped me, you’ve helped others, and I think you’ve helped yourself with your “coming out”.

Thank you!

anonymous mom

Friday, August 10th, 2007, 1:32 pm

[…] Blog Alert: Thanks to researching health blogs yesterday, I managed to find a link to the lyrical prose and gut-wrenching honesty of Jeffery Harrell, who lives and works in Washington D.C. as a graphic designer and who suffers […]

Stupid People, Amazing People and a Happy Belated Birthday « Lemonade Life

Friday, August 10th, 2007, 4:57 pm

originally tried to send to your gmail account; it was bounced back at me with a “No such user” error. Hope all gets better. Originally I had “hope all is well” but I can see that it isn’t; I read some of your blog today. Sorry things are so fucked up.

Elaine

elaine

Friday, August 10th, 2007, 5:18 pm

i am a social woprker in the mental health field….i have alot of strong feelings and interesting thoughts, not just to your post, but also to your responses, and think it is a brave thing, to open up this discussion.

personally, i do not refer to borderline as being on the cusp of sanity and psychotic, but as a difficulty in managing the present situation without some basis in past experience

i myself have struggled with what can be called “borderline-like tendancies” stemming from mistrust from childhood and a non-acceptance of certain realities in life…its something that i struggle with, and i will keep struggling with because i have learned that everyone has to wrestle with anger and mistrust, just some were luckier in their up-bringing in that they were taught it is something they can manage

a few facts about borderline personility disorder….
1. a definition- bpd is “”The essential features of Borderline Personality Disorder is a pervasive pattern of
  instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked
  impulsivity that begins by early childhood and is present in a variety of contexts.”….says nothing about psychotic at all, as opposed to the definition of schizophrenia, which repeatedly brings up psychosis as a diagnostic feature
2.depending which studies you read, between 75-95% of people who live with bpd have a history of severe trauma in childhood (http://www.theawarenesscenter.org/BPD.html is a good start for research)….
3. for the anonymous mother, one thing to consider is that some more recent research shows that when bipolar and borderline are concurrant, that finding a way to manage the bipolar disorder will often reduce if not eradicate much of the borderline symptomolog

anyhow, hope that this discussion continues on as the state of mental health treatment needs to change, and understanding is the best way i can think of tyo change the prevelant opinion of mental health treatment and concerns

molly

Sunday, August 12th, 2007, 1:55 pm

[…] have a mental illness. It’s very serious. It’s called ‘borderline personality disorder.’ The reason they call it […]

Pullquotes « Îles du Désappointement

Thursday, August 16th, 2007, 5:03 pm

[…] been almost a couple weeks now since I came out of the closet as somebody who lives with what psychiatrists call borderline personality […]

The Shape of Days: For those of you living with someone with borderline personality disorder

Thursday, August 16th, 2007, 6:13 pm

Hi,
I read your post, and I actually work in the psych field, and to be honest some labels that are given to people wanting help really doesn’t help. It is not always enough to understand a diagnosis or let’s call it an opinion of another. It is actually sad to me at times that people look at BPD in such a negative aspect if fact some of the most inspirational, and talented artist’s of are time I suspect had the so called disorder, and were tormented, but some were very resilient and learned to cope with the more debilitating symptoms. Johnny Depp,and Angelina Jolie were cutters, and had very dark personalities like that of a borderline personality,and although seem to always have relationship drama have become in my non-licensed opinion more stable. Even I have traits that were in the past unbearable like depression, social anxiety, and anxiety period. I overcame most of those issues, but still find intimate relationships difficult as I have read you did. I eventually had to embrace my emotional flaws, and hopefully someday someone will accept me as I would them. Freindships were not difficult to maintain, but to establish, and that was probably due to my upbringing by a borderline parent. I think that you being able to speak honesty about it is much better than many of the patients I see who either don’t care, and don’t want to change or are just very much afraid of it all together. I have left my e-mail, and I may not fully understand what you go through, but I have a pretty damn good idea so feel free to e-mail me.

Heather

Friday, August 17th, 2007, 2:27 pm

Sorry about all the gramerical issues I am at work and had to write it swiftly.

Heather

Heather

Friday, August 17th, 2007, 2:40 pm

I accidentally stumbled across your page.

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 18. That was nigh 10 years ago and life changes occur daily.

I can’t offer any words of comfort or any helpful advice. All I can say is I know how it feels to seek the filler to an infernal gaping hole in the center of your soul.

Some days are going to be good and some are going to be bad; I take it as it comes. Since I have come to terms that this is who I am it has become easier.

What can I say? Eventually you learn to be comfortable wearing your own uncomfortable skin.

Stef

Friday, August 17th, 2007, 4:10 pm

Thank you for posting this. I just wanted to say as a few others did, look into DBT. It’s the closest thing out there we have to a cure, and it has worked for so many people.

Lili

Saturday, August 18th, 2007, 6:59 pm

Pretty much, we’re all fucked, in different ways, to different degrees. Knowing how were fucked up, surprisingly, is much of the battle.

I would imagine that you’ve got friends for whom, your distrust of them and your expectations of abandonment and all the rest of it are just things to work around. Here’s a poorly-kept secret: the people in your life aren’t in your life because you function smoothly. If that were the case, few of us would have friends or loved ones. They’re in your life because, for whatever reason, us imperfect souls cleave to each other and make allowances for each other’s imperfections. In return, we gain the benefit of each other’s greatest strengths.

This took a lot of courage to write - as much of your writing seems to take - and that means that part of you, at least some of the time, can be a hero, even if only for yourself. And that’s quite a lot to have going for you.

Oh, yeah, it looks like you have a pretty decent fan club, too.

Mike W.

Sunday, August 19th, 2007, 7:53 pm

adhd, ptsd, ocd, axiety here, logging in, to say hell NO you are not alone.

I am the only one in my family not to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which could very well mean a misdiagnoses.

The loneliest thing is definitely the profound ability to superbly adapt the “people face.” Sometimes, you get so good at it that when you do have the courage to put out a cry for help, no one believes you, after all - you are the strong one as far as they have seen.

Don’t forget that your MI has it’s good points. Perhaps it is within those good points that you will find that purpose you are seeking - the light at the end of the tunnel that will have you no longer screaming in the dark, as you say, but at least stumbling in a clear direction. There is a reason you have been cursed/blessed with it. And with BP, you probably have a problem seeing it. In times of crisis for you or your friends, you will be the one to dissociate enough to be calm. In times of extreme social stress, you will be the one to put on the face necessary to get the job done. And where most will have a strong opinion and not the courage to voice it, you will be hardwired to voice strong opinions when others cannot.

As for the few friends you have who know you for real - they will be friendships that very few people on this earth will ever experience. If anyone has one real friend, they are the luckiest bastard on the planet. If they have two, they are the luckiest in a century. If they have three - they are lying.

you aren’t so weird. you are humanity - exaggerated and amplified.

very rarely does BP come by itself. It usually comes with a few friends that tend to exacerbate its symptoms - and those friends CAN get medicated. So find out what they are - ocd, add, anxiety, ptsd, asbergers, who knows. they arent so hard to talk about because they are easily identifyable as habits as opposed to personality glitches.

I know you are hardwired to hurt at the moment. Hardwired to see one picture, from only one dimension in terms of yourself. But you are also hardwired to see the world outside of you clearer than most will ever see in in their lifetime - and perhaps that is your purpose - to provide that illumination.

You are hardwired to be amplified humanity. Very few will have the ability to serve some of the great purposes that a trait like that can serve. Find yours, and hold on to it for dear life.

All my best to you.

Suzanne

Saturday, August 25th, 2007, 12:54 pm

This is the first time I have come across your pages. Felt like saying this:

I truly believe that problem recognized is half solved. So give yourself a big pet on the shoulder for being brave and honest and facing the truth.

My boyfriend has BPD. Though he is aware he has A problem, he is not aware it is BPD. He calls it anger, depression, mental problems, obsessive compulsive, stress, paranoia, etc… -most things are difficult for him to do and he suffers a lot. On one level he does so much to keep me and his kids in his life on the other he pushes everyone close away so then he can say - told you so…

For someone who loves and cares about him it is hard, frustrating and hurtful. I have spend the last 4 years trying to learn to cope with it. My own need for closeness and his need for distance means I hurt. My own need for security and love and his urge of anger means I struggle. His inability to recognise the splitting and his ill thought process means he fights and does not know what. It also means that you are few steps ahead because you know the monster and now you can search for the cure.

I believe in love. I also believe in therapy. Letting go is not easy but can be healing.

Take good care, M.

M

Monday, August 27th, 2007, 12:17 am

hi there…

its weird-o-clock in the morning, and i decided to do a search on BPD and your posting came up.

a few years ago, i received this particular diagnosis. it was simply a new one to add to the myriad of others i’d gathered since a turbulent adolescence.

and it kind of seemed to fit. but to add insult to injury, from all i learned about it, it seemed like perhaps one of the most hopeless diagnoses in the whole DSM. the only consolation seemed to be that the symptoms are said to wane as one approaches his or her thirties. i’m 26 now, which means theoretically i’m only a few years away from being “out of the woods.”

but what i have finally decided about this diagnosis is that i kind of don’t believe in it. and many others.

our society at large is dependent on the maintenance and perpetuation of a collective standard of “normal”. “Normal” is necessary for the perpetuation of all things American, if you will. From the time we are very young, we are molded and shaped into who we are supposed to be. Anyone who chooses not to conform is ostracized in one way or another as motivational pressure to at least attempt conformity. This seems to serve the purpose for cultivating adults who do not question authority, and rely on all models presented to them by the mainstream to learn who they are supposed to be via magazines and other such status-quo perpetuating propaganda…as in, what they are supposed to BUY to express who they are supposed to be…for without the power of mass consumption, the western world as we know it would cease to exist.

but what to do about those who seem inherently disposed to violate the “rules”? we must be typified, categorized and pigeon-holed as being somehow “sick”, mentally “ill” in order to be understood, accounted for…and hopefully, medicated into inertia as not to disturb the status quo…brought back to center.

to provide a few examples… homosexuality was once listed in the DSM as a mental illness. “Gender identity disorder”, I believe, is still in there…as in, when someone born with particular sex organs feels they are a different gender…they are mentally ill. and from i believe the 1930s til the early 60s…there was the practice of lobotomy…a psychosurgery designed to scramble the frontal lobe, effectively undoing the personality of the mentally ill person.

and in the present day… in many public schools, the teachers seem to be in place to feed information to children who are supposed to robotically process everything in then reproduce it out onto Standards of Learning tests. Many schools are even eliminating recess. Despite these circumstances…if a six or seven year old child somehow has difficulty paying attention or sitting still…he or she is pronounced ADHD! and attempts are made to medicate the child into stillness. If this does not work, the child is removed and placed into an alternative setting.

What’s wrong with this picture?

Emily Dickinson sums it up best in her poem “Much Madness is Divinest Sense.” I am a writer myself…a person of an artistic, creative disposition and therefore quite naturally eccentric, neurotic and “half-cracked.” Me and essentially all others of this persuasion.

I have struggled with a number of things (alcoholism, anorexia, depression)in my adolescence and early twenties, and I am overcoming them, one day at a time. What has proven to be more invaluable than anything else in this process, however, is changing certain beliefs about myself that i’ve carried around for years.

Namely, the fact that I’m not exactly your average bear is not some sort of malady I should declare as maladaptive and seek to cure. Alpha and omega, I am me. All of these things which the DSM would declare to be “symptoms” of BPD (and might be symptomatic of a myriad of other “illnesses”) are all things, for better or worse, that are my character challenges and gifts.

so yes: I am hypersensitive. I am stormy. I am odd. I am passionate. And I am dichotomous in my perceptions…because in my opinion, very few things are benign enough to be considered “grey area”. Pretty much everything we do is feeding energy to our inner light or our inner shadow. Either something is or it isn’t. Positive or negative.

But this is just me. And all this is coming from someone who spent a year pursuing a career in counseling…and all of the aforementioned are the reasons why I decided to pursue further coursework in the field of English instead. I literally heard many therapists and therapists-to-be professing to “hate” Borderline patients. And this, coupled with the “severity” of BPD and there being no way to medicinally send it into remission, with ones’ only hope being “years” of intensive therapy… who WOULDN’T feel “hopeless” and inherently bad??

I would encourage you to really think outside the box about this diagnosis before accepting and swallowing all the pontifications of the DSM piecemeal.

best of luck,

me

hungry aphid

Wednesday, August 29th, 2007, 2:42 am

I came to this post from a web search looking for support for people living with someone with mental illness. My husband is like you, and it is so hard to live with. I’m not going to leave him (even though I sometimes question my own sanity for this), but somedays I feel bruised and beaten and exhausted beyond belief, just from being with him. We also have a son and I know it takes a toll on him too. I don’t know, I just wanted to say hi and thank you. Sometimes it’s nice to read that other people are as f-ed up as my family.

anonymous

Thursday, August 30th, 2007, 2:05 pm

[…] expositional blogs and posts I’ve found, such as Jeff Harrell’s post on his life with borderline personality disorder, and pretty much the whole of Experimental Chimp’s blog, and, most recently, the incredibly […]

Jonathan Schnapp » Blog Archive

Saturday, September 1st, 2007, 8:17 pm

Yeah, I wanted to write the book for people about something like this, but it’s just not happening. Thanks for being brave enough to write about it.

Sara

Tuesday, September 4th, 2007, 4:32 am

every lonely person
is the loneliest person in the world.
i am the loneliest person
in the world.

jenna

Saturday, September 15th, 2007, 4:29 pm

I have found someone out there that feels as I do.I have been newly diagnosed with BPD and honestly I feel like I got the short end of the stick.

Carrie

Saturday, September 15th, 2007, 9:31 pm

I am not bipolar, nor do I have BPD. I am married to a man for 15 years who can be the most precious person on this earth. He is bipolar and BPD. While I will never say I know how you feel, I understand very well what you are saying. I will not leave him, I love him. It is hard, exhausting, lonely, annoying, sometimes I feel like I have a fourth child and I will even say that it has taken my own identity from me (I am working on that one). Sometimes, I feel battered, bruised and beaten. I research for an answer until I can’t anymore. I still get up the next day with a smile on my face and do it again. Sometimes, though, I don’t think I can anymore. Your willingness to write about who you are is important to me and others like you. It helps them feel that they are not alone. I thank you because even though I am very well aware of what goes along with the territory sometimes I need reminders so I can go on to help my husband and others. Despite what you may think, I believed you helped many people by writing this. I believe you are a very worthy person and have great things to offer. God is still here, I know because I need him every day and every day he helps me to help my husband. I wish you the best hang in there be proactive and don’t give up. If you give up, everyone gives up. Peace be with you!

Skyzbabe

Tuesday, September 18th, 2007, 11:10 am

I’m nobody.
Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
There’s a pair of us then; don’t tell.
They’d banish us, you know.
How dreary to be somebody.
How public, like a frog
to announce your name the livelong day
to an admiring bog.
- Emily Dickenson
Anonymous

Wednesday, September 19th, 2007, 6:40 pm

Just finished reading your ‘confession’ if i can call it that. I too have a diagnosis of BPD and am male. I strongly believe more men are sufferers but because of male ego and pride they are even more misunderstood in society. It was brave to come out, I guess thats what the day brought with it, you never know how it will turn out when you get out of bed. There are no solutions only ‘hope’. I am not even sure why i am writing this, only it is shit mate. really shit. Dialectical therapy has its advantages they say but its really the relationship with the therapist that counts. I have lost 5 sisters, my mother and stepfather and all but one of my friends…not sad because I chose to abandon them, guess if I am honest it is partly or largely my fault, I dont know, If I did, I would have the ‘cure’. I guess the main thing is that you have highlighted an illness that people dont like to talk about, therapist hate us, and family and friends struggle to be close to us. Maybe if more people discuss the problem, we can find solutions, acceptances, mitigations and maybe then people can be more tolerant of our behaviours, but then again, people are people…that all. Hang in there mate, and you can email me anytime…i live over the pond in the U.K…..take care EyeCeyE

EyeCeyE

Friday, September 21st, 2007, 2:15 am

I only recently came across BPD during a search online after trying to determine what is wrong with me. Now, I have to go through the pain of actually being diagnosed, but like you, I score high on the symptoms chart (9 out of 9 according to my own knowledge of my behaviour, actually). It has been clear to myself and to some others that something is wrong, but I didn’t feel like doing anything about it until a friend told another that he feared I was about to have a psychotic break. He didn’t tell me personally because he feared that would actually push me over, and of course, you can only imagine how well that turned out for him. The fortunate thing is that he manages to forgive my rage and still tries to be a friend.

But you pointed out what makes BPD probably the most painful mental illness- we know there’s something not right, but we can’t fix it. We are stuck in the middle, able to see how “good” things could be but unable to get there.

I find it remarkable that you have enough trust in the existence of a God to pray. I’ve always had difficulty with relationships and controlling my anger, but when all the other symptoms were first triggered, one of the first “people” I lashed out at was God, whom I’ve since decided must not exist since things have only gotten worse. I respect you for being able to trust and believe.

JAM

Saturday, September 22nd, 2007, 5:18 pm

Thank you for your post. I laughed and then I cried. The similarities are undeniable. I tell my son that I love him all day long. He says “mom, you love me too much.” That’s fine by me. If only my parents were as thoughtful. By the way, I have been to the “looney bin.” It wasn’t too bad except for my teenaged roomate who was having problems with her boyfriend. I got to hear all about it, day in and day out. I asked for a new room. They refused. Go figure. Thanks for your stories, please keep them coming. I finally feel validated in some way. Keep your head up and thanks.

Jodi

Monday, September 24th, 2007, 10:37 am

Dear Jack, I wanted to let you know that I was deeply moved by your post. I am a mental health therapist and I specialize in Borderline Personality Disorder. I love Borderlines. I think we all have a little bit of borderline in us. I wonder if everyone at some point hasn’t felt like they want to die when the love of their life ends the relationship, felt the pangs of sorrow or confusion when life doesn’t make sense, or wanted to fill the void with food, sex, alcohol, drugs, or shopping… the self-doubt, the isolation- feeling like there is something in your head you want to rip out. But the difference between someone “normal” and someone who is borderline, is that I don’t have those intense feelings every waking moment of my life. I am going to take a risk and say that I understand, but I am a person without Borderline so, for what it’s worth… keep on the sunny side and never give up.

Can't Tell You

Monday, September 24th, 2007, 11:03 pm

And I just realized I called you Jack. Sorry, Jeff.

Can't Tell You

Monday, September 24th, 2007, 11:05 pm

Jeff: I stumbled across your webpage researching the connection between BPD and Bipolar. WOW, are you my twin? Everything I read hits home. I saved your number and may give you a call someday, maybe when I’m angry and just need to vent. You can LIE to me and tell me everything will be ok someday.. I hear that shit so much, I want to rip their heads off. I was recently diagnosed with both disorders.. the funny thing tho, I went to be tested for adult ADD. Go figure. OH, did I mention I also am ADD..AT THE AGE OF 44!!! Why was my behavior accepted by friends and family. “Oh, that’s just Connie for ya.” they’d say. So I learned to accept “me”. But I DONT like me!! ANYWAY, I do feel your pain and understand where you are coming from, or been?, or going?? Hell you know what I mean. The only good that I can say comes from this Fucked up life is I DO have a sense of humor.. Thank God,or maybe he does. or I’d be dead. Sorry to say, I’ve never heard of you as a writer, but when I slow down I’ll read one of your books. I enjoyed reading your page and the post. I will return..Hopeless in Mississippi

Connie

Wednesday, September 26th, 2007, 10:34 am

Jack, I’ve never read anything of yours besides the “Coming Out” post. It was forwarded to me by my girlfriend. This is where I have to start going backwards for a minute, so bear with me. .

I, too, suffer from BPD. When I diagnosed myself I presented in 9 out of 9 criteria. Even today, 6 painful years later, I still present in 5 to 6 criteria on a daily basis - and on bad days it’s more like 7 or 8. I began writing a thesis on BPD about 3 years ago. When I get REALLY serious about someone, and think they need to know what the hell they are getting themselves into, will allow them to read it. That’s what prompted my current girlfriend to do more research on BPD, and how she stumbled upon this site and your post.

So, having made it back to the beginning, she told me that I really needed to see your post. She felt that when she read your post, she could imagine me saying some of the exact same things. And I must admit, she has a good point. I have never made a living as a writer, but people tell me all the time that I should give it a try. From looking at some of the other posts, you are an accomplished writer in your own right.

BPD is classified as an emotional disorder, to answer the question ‘what do you call this?’. It is not neither an illness nor a disease. It’s a debillitating condition that has ended more lives than most of the other, ‘sexier’, better known maladies. The government doesn’t spend millions a year researching it. But it’s real, and it’s the most sophisticated disorder on the planet. I know this because I observe the disorder taking on a life of it’s own. Just when I think I have found a way to beat it, damned if BPD doesn’t use the answers I have found to feed some new, more bizarre problem that is invariably worse than the symptoms I was trying to eradicate in the first place.

Anyway, I can relate to the sense of helplessness. If a young Muhammad Ali were cloned and thrown into the ring with the original, how could either one of them win? How, in other words, can you beat yourself? When I’m plotting ways to circumvent BPD, I’m fully aware of what I’m planning - what makes me think the enemy isn’t listening and already plotting his counterattack?

I say all of this because I have become fascinated by the duality of human nature,and how victims of BPD end up with, in essence, multiple personalities, all at war with each other. And as you point out, we are AWARE that we are disordered, but powerless to control it.

I appreciate your insights. They’ve stimulated my thinking and given me more ideas on how to improve my burgeoning paper. It might become book length some day. I’d like to get in touch with you. Shoot me an e-mail some time.

Leroy Watson, Jr.

Thursday, September 27th, 2007, 5:57 pm

I assumed that my e-mail address would show up automatically! Since it didn’t, and it would be pretty hard to e-mail without it, here it is! lol

leroywatsonjr@yahoo.com

Leroy Watson, Jr.

Thursday, September 27th, 2007, 6:09 pm

PLEASE READ!!!!! It’s me, the mental health therapist again. IF YOU DON’T EVER ACCEPT ANY OTHER SUGGESTION IN YOUR LIFE PLEASE ACCEPT THIS SUGGESTION….. I don’t know if any of you have heard of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), but I HIGHLY recommend giving it a shot. DBT seeks to resolve the dialectics (contradictions) which plage those with Borderline by teaching skills in four areas: inter

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